Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He’s all right now.

Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, “Daddy, I want a new apartment”.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
“Dam”

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?
A stick

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho cheese.

What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate Clauses

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk

What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an “A” bra

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka

And what kind of lettuce?
Iceberg

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef

Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones