Category Archives: Fun Stuff

Courtroom Dramas – Really!

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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

Attorney:What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

Witness:He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

Attorney:And why did that upset you?

Witness:My name is Susan!

Attorney:What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

Witness:Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Attorney:Are you sexually active?

Witness:No, I just lie there.

Attorney:What is your date of birth?

Witness:July 18th.

Attorney:What year?

Witness:Every year.

Attorney:How old is your son, the one living with you?

Witness:Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

Attorney:How long has he lived with you?

Witness:Forty-five years.

Attorney:This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

Witness:Yes.

Attorney:And in what ways does it affect your memory?

Witness:I forget..

Attorney:You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

Attorney:Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

Witness:Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Attorney:The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Witness:He’s 20, much like your IQ.

Attorney:Were you present when your picture was taken?

Witness:Are you shitting me?

Attorney:So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

Witness:Yes.

Attorney:And what were you doing at that time?

Witness:Getting laid

Attorney:She had three children , right?

Witness:Yes.

Attorney:How many were boys?

Witness:None.

Attorney:Were there any girls?

Witness:Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

Attorney:How was your first marriage terminated?

Witness:By death..

Attorney:And by whose death was it terminated?

Witness:Take a guess.

Attorney:Can you describe the individual?

Witness:He was about medium height and had a beard

Attorney:Was this a male or a female?

Witness:Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

Attorney:Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

Witness:No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Attorney:Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

Witness:All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

Attorney:ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

Witness:Oral…

Attorney:Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

Witness:The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

Attorney:And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

Witness:If not, he was by the time I finished.

Attorney:Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Witness:Are you qualified to ask that question?

Attorney:Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

Witness:No.

Attorney:Did you check for blood pressure?

Witness:No.

Attorney:Did you check for breathing?

Witness:No…

Attorney:So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

Witness:No.

Attorney:How can you be so sure, Doctor?

Witness:Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Attorney:I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

Witness:Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Thanks, Beverly!

His Diary – Her Diary

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Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much. I asked him what was wrong, He said, ‘Nothing.’ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I cant explain his behavior I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’ When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep – I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

Motorcycle won t start… can t figure out why.

To All You Italians – and Golfers

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An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,’ How do you stay in such great physical condition?’

I’m Italian and I am a golfer,’ says the old guy, ‘and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.’

‘Well’, says the doctor, ‘I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?’

‘Who said my Father’s dead?’

The doctor is amazed. ‘You mean you’re 80 years old and your Father’s still alive. How old is he?’

‘He’s 100 years old,’ says the Old Italian golfer. ‘In fact, he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that’s why he’s still alive. He’s Italian and he’s a golfer, too.’

‘Well,’ the doctor says, ‘that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your Father’s Father? How old was he when he died?’

‘Who said my Nono’s dead?’

Stunned, the doctor asks, ‘you mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living!  Incredible.  How old is he?”

He’s 118 years old,’ says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point.  ‘So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning, too?’

‘No, Nono couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.’

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. ‘Getting married!  Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?’

‘Who said he wanted to?’

Tim Hawkins tells it how it is

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There is plenty of good information out there on the vast reaches of the internet promoting a society based on voluntary interaction – such a society would not have any room for a government, which is based on the initiation of force.

One of the biggest and most successful sites of this genre is Stefan Molyneux’s site Freedomain Radio. To my dismay, great talks from Stefan on Youtube get – maybe – a few thousand views, when I wished that millions of people would get this information.

Now, how happy was I when Nicole (thank you so much) told me about Tim Hawkins. He is a comedian, a co-home-schooler and, apparently, somebody with an anarchistic streak. What made me so happy was that his parody of The Candy Man Can – The Government Can – got nearly five million (in words 5,000,000) views.

That’s the exposure people who still think voting is a good thing need. Don’t misunderstand, I am not against voting. I am just against having to choose from the (slightly) lesser evil. I am all for the voting with you wallet, in that you only pay for what you really want. Could not imagine that you would really voluntarily pay for the war on drugs, the war on Irak, Iran, Afghanistan, etc. – or the health benefits of somebody you don’t even know.

You know I am talking about taxes, right? Extortion, that the nice politician that you just voted into office, extracts from you at gun-point, yes?

So, when you start voting with your wallet and don’t pay those politicians any more, then Mr. Hawkins will have to make some new song soon – but I am sure he would like that very much.

Without further ado, here is The Government Can…

And to help you sing along, here are the lyrics:

(Hey everybody! Gather ’round! I’m here to give you
anything you like! You want free college, money,
mortgages?! Whatever you like! You have come to the
right place! Why? I’ll tell you why!)

Who can take your money?
With a twinkle in their eye?
Take it all away and
Give it to some other guy

[Chorus]
The Government
The Government can!

Who can tax the Sun rise?
Who can tax the trees?
Let you run a business and
Collect up all the fees

[Chorus]

The Government can ’cause
They mix it up with lies and
Make it all taste good!

The Government takes
Everything we make
To pay for all of their “solutions”
Healthcare, Climate Change, Pollution
(Throw away the Constitution)

Who can give a bailout?
Tell us to behave?
Make the Founding Fathers
Roll over in their graves

[Chorus]

The Government takes
Everything we make
They’re power hungry
And malicious

The economics are fictitious
Soon we’ll have to eat our dishes
Mmm! Delicious!

Who can be a failure?
In so many ways?
Instead of getting fired, HEY!
We’ll give ourselves a raise!

[Chorus]

The Government can ’cause
They mix it up with lies and
Make it all taste good!
And your government can ’cause
they mix it with lies and
Makes it all taste good!

And I feel so good
Because the Government
Says I should! Oh!…

Proof of Presidency

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The following true story is told about Mr. Obama, but I believe it applies to each and every (career-) politician out there:

President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says, “Good morning Ma’am, could you please cash this check for me?”

Cashier: “It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?”

Obama: “Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the president of the United States of AMERICA!!!!”

Cashier: “Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.”

Obama: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”

Cashier: “I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”

Obama: “I am urging you, please, to cash this check.”

Cashier: “Look Mr. President this is what we can do: One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.”

“Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check.”

“So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?”

Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: “Honestly, my mind is a total blank… there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can’t think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do.”

Cashier: “Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?”

This, Jen, is the Internet – the IT Crowd

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The first time I heard about the IT Crowd was from Cory Doctorow in one of his BoingBoing posts. Thanks to pirates I was able to watch the show despite not being in the UK, and I was instantly hooked on the show.

After a few seasons I re-visited the IT Crowd in one of my posts from 2009 but now, finally, there are some clips of it on the interweb, so that, for all of you who don’t know these master pieces of television yet, I can share some of the highlights.

Here is one of the best scenes – EVER!

I must be a geek

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I love automating things, even though sometimes I have the idea that the time to create the automation seems longer than it would have taken to do it manually.

Right now I am considering to find that plugin for firefox again that allows me to automate filling a form. I know I had this before I updated my computer but I just can’t remember it any more what the name was.

Mostly I need this to fill out a non-standard form on an e-commerce site when I have to do some test purchases. When I ran into this graphic…

… I decided it’s better to do it right away instead of waiting through the initial straight line that I have in common with the non-geek.